Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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