i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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