The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
