Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
