they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
