Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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