PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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