people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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