I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
