you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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