life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
