I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize