party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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