and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
