i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
