I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
