I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
