I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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