I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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