Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
