I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
