More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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