i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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