Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
