Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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