And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
