I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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