I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
