Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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