Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
