I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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