You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
