someone owes me an orgasm
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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