I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
