Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
