I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize