You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
