I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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