Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize