Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
