cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
