Plan B is the new Plan A
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We need to feng shui this bitch.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
