you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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