Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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