Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
