i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
