I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There's always time for handjobs
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
