You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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