So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
