I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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