i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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