Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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