I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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