I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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