the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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