he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
