I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
