i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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